Remembering and Forgetting

Do you still remember how happy we are in the lucidity of our memories? And how platonically in love we are among the bunch of others. Do you?

Well, I don’t expect you to remember and look back right now. But if you were to ask me the same question, my answer will probably be a yes.

I still remember an expired happiness through the reflection of my eyes in the mirror. How I feel for you and how I look at you as my body slowly weakening in its vulnerability, in its outmost vulnerability. How at those moments with you I immediately feel my bones creak and break – which I can’t even gain composure in every atom and in every quark, in every seismic molecule that seems to break out inside; how I almost run out of air in my lungs, how I run out of breath every single time I had this happiness with you that already died in its due time.

Remember, this is how it ends. How I start to forget, yet in the process of forgetting all I ever do is remember. How in the end, everything would just feel like a drag; how in the lapses of sleep and waking up do I ever never escape. Remember, it ends then just about when everyone tells me to go on and begin anew. Yet I’m blinded and jaded and flabbergasted and tired and every heave of every heavy sigh purposefully just takes in another one.

The truth is, right now – all I ever want to say is I miss you. I miss how I feel unmeasured happiness in its infinity and beyond whenever I’m with you. I miss imagined fireworks, sparks and angels in my head whenever you hold my sweaty hand without any hesitation. I miss playing pretend in bed, pretending I’m asleep just to see if you would kiss me good night, and all the time you do. And I miss how my heart leaps a hundred and thousands of times whenever you smile and call me baby, or say those three words that mean more than everything to me. I miss our moments together, just us. I miss writing about your presence, and not your absence which in the past months was all I ever did, and still do.

Remember how I am, and remember through how it was. It will never be the same. Because with the bittersweet of goodbyes and hellos, the most painful of them all is us experiencing the same cycle itself.

I still ask fate or God or whatever or whoever why every ounce of force in this universe led me to meeting you. Why did the world ever give you to me? I know I just borrowed you. And I know in all the borrowed moments I’ve already exhausted, wasted, cherished, and loved that I think was never enough. It will never be enough. I’ve always known that someday, they will take you away from me. You don’t know how I repeatedly pray whoever and whatever that led you to me, in this cruel, crazy and messed-up world we live in, that this isn’t the time yet. Please, let them make you stay a bit longer. Even for a day or two. Even for a little while.

But I guess I have to live with it. I have to understand and accept it. Live with the idea of you who shall belong to someone else, in the coming days or weeks or months or even years. Live with the truth that our time has already expired. That what’s left of our fate is just me and you trying to just forget. And there’s never a thought more hurting than that right now – you, forgetting me. And me, forgetting you.