The End of Mourning (Babang Luksa)

Four days after my high school graduation – April 7, 2009; I remember the day; two days prior, I came to see my paternal grandmother in her gloomy room. It was a scene I had long become used to seeing: my grandmother breathing laboriously through a nebulizer, each inhale-exhale cycle being punctuated by the bleep of the hovering machine tasked to annihilate her asthma attack.

Two days after the asthma attack incident. Approximately 12:50 P.M. my grandmother’s life on earth among any other life bearing humanity had come to an uneventful ending. At that time, I wasn’t on her sight, I was at my school for the signing of clearance but badly it wasn’t able to conduct due to a major glitch behind my teacher’s inner workings of mind. Then, I just decided to stay in my Alma mater for quiet some time to join my classmates in the middle of ecstasy. At that particular time, I was perplexed, not feeling that well, I know on the other side of this happening – my grandmother who’s still suffering from her horrendous asthma attack, it was two days of suffering and I couldn’t figure out what might happen few hours hence. My heart was really grew increasingly; fidgety; brooding about what might have been, worrying for what might never be.

Until I got a text message from my sister saying: “Patay na sila Lola.” I was shocked far from the world I know; I replied (muffled): “Anong patay na sila lola? ‘Di kita maintindihan.” I was indeed in denial because apparently the text message was wrong grammar maybe due to that incident. But I was really thinking of something else’s. But undoubtedly my sister’s reply says it all; “…g*go! Bobo ka ba? Patay na nga si Lola.” At that very moment I went rushing through our house carrying the very bad news ever happened in my entire life. When I headed home my father was still eating his lunch who was just currently finished from his tiring day-to-day work. I didn’t insisted to blurt out the bad news, I once said “Patay na daw si Lola,” my father replied; “Anong patay na? Galing pa ako doon kanina,” I said with conviction and cracking voice: “...wala na nga daw si lola sabi ni Bridget, tinext niya ako kaya nga ako napauwi. Pumunta na daw tayo doon.”

We hurriedly come at my Lola’s house with droplets of tears on my cheeks. We were all shocked on that major overhaul incident. When I got to my Lola’s house, all of the person there were all in silence as if nothing’s happened. In my grandmother’s room; standing by the bedside of her dead body. My long kept tears were all crashed down off my eyes. My mind couldn’t still figure it all out. I turned around and left my Lola’s room, I didn’t want to gaze on my Lola’s dead body though she was indeed beautiful at that time; she left us with a smile on her face as deceiving as Mona Lisa’s mysterious smile, a quiet good indication that she died happily here on this cruel world. I saw Diane, my paternal cousin disquietingly weeping; sobbing her tears out in the living room.  She was a courageous woman to had been watched how our grandmother walk down the gray area that separates who is from who was. And yet, I couldn’t still imagine how it had happened. Too fast, too fast; in just a split-second I couldn’t stop myself from mourning; I was grief-stricken and surely I was not the only one who did this. My Uncle Raul was more and more grief-stricken than I could be.

My grandmother just turned 85 on her last birthday with us, alive and kicking. And turning 86 two months and 20 days prior to the day she had been called up in heavens. I was born 11 days before her birthday.

I cried when I found out about my ever-dearest grandmother. I cried until the tears won’t come out anymore. I felt like my chest was going to burst. It’s too late when I come home, to be in her wake. I feel so sorry for my Uncle Raul because apparently at the moment, he still didn’t know what happened while everybody here knew about what happened to his ever-dearest mother. I remembered him having a long distance call from time to time on the time he found out what happened. He was off to Philippines from London three-days after that particular day of incident. He arrived here in Manila Good Friday afternoon. I feel sorry for my Lola for I wasn’t even able to be at her side at that time.

I just realized that you can never really control the future. Even a glimpse of it sounds surreal. I’ve always thought that once you have your life planned, all you need to do is stick to it and you just go with the flow of it. I was wrong. Life is just something that we borrow. We cannot manipulate it, or stir it to whatever direction we want. It is not for us to decide whether we will be in this certain place within a certain time. Life is full of uncertainties.

They say life’s too short… yes, indeed it is. I’ve always been told to make the most out of my life. But its hard when you don’t really know where to start and you simply start crashing down. My Lola didn’t plan to die at that day though the weird thing was on the day she insured herself on that particular insurance company, it was also dated April 7, 19**, enough from that. And yet she was taken away all of a sudden. I keep on telling myself that I still have time… but what if the only time left was the minutes I have now? The sand on the hourglass is every minute of our life… yet it could suddenly break into pieces unexpectedly. Each particle of the sand can be blown away and you can never bring it back once it’s gone.

I feel guilty for not seeing my Lola regularly. I feel guilty for not spending even a couple of minutes to hear her voice and tell her how much I love her. I love my Lola, I really do. I just didn’t give much time in showing her the extent of my love. If only I could retrace my steps, I would have done everything to make her feel that I love her, and that she is always in my prayers.

The pain hasn’t really sink in. I’ve cried a lot but the tears would not change the fact that she is forever gone from us. Our family chain has been broken, but I hope we could put back the link together as time helps us heal.

She had a smile on her face. She died peacefully. And yet every time I try to look at her picture, I begin to cry again. I don’t know why. Maybe I just can’t accept the fact that she is gone forever from our sight but not from our hearts, that I will never had a glimpse of her in realm. Or maybe it’s just a guilt feeling. I’m guilty for the fact that I wasn’t as good as a grandson for my Lola though I’m her apple of the eye. That I wasn’t there to help her ease the pain. That she could be the one paying for my sins.

I told myself that I’ve been questioning God. I’ve been asking Him all the whys. Why lola? Why now? Why so soon? Why you didn’t give any signs? I feel sad because I could not find the answers to my questions. That I could not Google for an answer, or flip a book to give me reasons not to doubt on God decisions. But God only knows the answer to our sorrows.

But I thank God for lending Socorro as my Lola, to us, even for a short period of time. I thank Him for giving her the voice we will remember forever. I thank Him for easing up Lola’s pain and welcoming her to his arms. My Lola suffered I’m glad its over… he can no longer feel the hurt. I’m glad God let her go from her sufferings for so long. He has healed my Lola’s soul. And I thank Him for blessing me with a Lola who has made everybody happy every minute of her life. Her pure heart has touch our whole family and will always remain with us, even when her body has left this earth.

I’m sure she is watching over me. She will be our guardian angel. She’ll be our protector and guider to what’s life heading.

Goodbye, Lola… she has been signed off for completely one year – 365 days, 52 weeks and 12 months.

That means today is a cause for a celebration. We are all lowering down our grief with you, Lola. We are now happy and rejoicing, that you are now free from all the sufferings, anxieties, diseases a cruel world can give.

We might feel melancholic sometimes (I think it comes naturally) for not seeing you, Lola. But being able to discern that you are now happy with your stay up in heavens. I’m pretty sure it can all soothes the pain.

I want to write more about you, Lola but hey what the heck?  These words left me in tears but I guess it was a tears of joy, fleeting gladness in temporality. Don’t get me wrong, indeed, it was.

Again; Goodbye, Lola or should I say we’ll see you in heaven? On the next season of my life with the Lord – I’m talking about the given promised made by our dear Lord – of eternal life with Him.  

Lola, enjoy staying up there in heavens, in the table of our Lord. We’ll see you again in heaven. I know you're really now in peace.

P.S. I just wish I do not die a slow-progressing, debilitating disease when my time comes. ;)