Things are not the same as it was before.

I wish I could accept happiness without guilt. I want to be happy without telling myself, “I don’t deserve this”. With a smile on my face, I would feed off from every second of that feeling to give my frozen heart some warmth. Just simply carpe diem, and for once feel as if I deserve every single bit of the good things. I wish I could accept happiness without the fear of having it taken away. I want to deceive myself that it will last for a very long time, and I want to believe it. I want to fill the void inside me that has been left in dust. To let people in, because they are worth the risk. Not everybody isn’t trustworthy, for there are still people out there who is not meant to hurt you but rather love you. They will shed the light that I have been depriving myself for a very long time. I wish I could accept love without thinking about the heartbreak it’ll give me. I want to be loved, to be taken care of, to be accepted for who I am. And I want it to be pure and authentic, and not meant to shatter whatever that’s left with me. I wish that for once I did something good, or I myself is good enough to be worthy of love and compassion. I have barricaded myself from all the bad things, only to realize that this prevented happiness to come in, too.

I wish I could feel free again.